Writings of a boy
by Flyawayfreedom
Summary: Drabbles and Oneshots showing Ritsu's emotions and view on various things.
1. Jaded conceptualization of love

**This is written from Ritsu's pov after he left for England. **

Love

I don't understand it.

i don't understand how someone could be so willing to expose so much of yourself to another person – to share yourself, while betting on having your feelings return or – the risk of getting hurt and never recover from it.

I thought i understood love.

My parents love me, and I love them. Simple enough, I understand that. But to risk getting my heart shredded to tiny bits and go through all the insufferable pain for the sake of that short moment of delusional happiness?

No.

I wouldn't do that. Not again.

Back then, in middle school, I was so sure he loved me.

The way he wrapped his long arms around me, cocooning me in his warm embrace. When he held me tightly in his arms and kissed me with such intensity but gentleness,I thought I knew for sure he loved me. Softly, the white curtains of the school library blow, the edges brushing against our uniform as we stood under the afternoon sunlight. I felt the warmth of his skin seeping into mine, and the rhythm of our hearts pounding together in unison.

At that moment, I thought I knew for sure, that he loved me.

I thought I knew what love was.

But weeks later, i learnt that i know nothing at all. All the time what i thought was love was actually just a cruel joke by a bored upperclassman who had too much time on his hands. In the end, the joke was on me. In the end, i was the one with a broken heart.

How does it even work?

You give yourself to someone, handing them your purest intentions and sincerest feelings over, and gamble that they will love you back?

No.

That didn't work out before.

How could anyone possible want to experience something like that a second time?

Unrequited love was hard enough, but having your feelings taken for ungranted was so much worse.

They say time heals all wounds, but it doesn't heal the scars.

I don't think... I don't think... I ever want to fall in love again.

I can't risk getting my heart-broken once more.

Perhaps, things would be better off if I'm alone.

\- Onodera Ritsu

**Author's Notes:**

**Hey guys, this is my first time writing a story related to SeKaiichi Hatsukoi so i hope i didn't do too badly considering the high standards of the fanfic this anime/manga has. (Seriously, you guys are such amazing writers !)**

**This is sort of like a diary entry/view of things Ritsu has after his heart got broken and his fear of love afterwards. I thought it was more of a gradually progress and many other things before he turned into the jaded adult he is today :/ Hence, the title '' Jaded conceptualization of love. ''**

**I hope you enjoy it and feel free to leave any comments !**


	2. 5 seconds

5 seconds

That was all it took for Oneodera Ritsu to fall in love the first time. Hand outstretched, he was tiptoeing and jumping up and down, struggling to reach the book that caught his eye on the upper rack of the tall library shelf. Then, like a flash of lightning – out of nowhere – a hand had appeared and removed the book from its place. The stranger passed the book to Ritsu, fulfilling a small act of kindness. Five seconds for Ritsu to turn around and say thanks, register his face and – fall in love.

5 seconds

The time wasn't enough for Ritsu to compute everything and decide rationally before the words left his mouth. Caught off guard by his question,

_How do you know my name?_

Ritsu's hidden feelings which he kept so tightly to himself for 3 years rushed down on him, flooding him with all sorts of things. The moment he realised the senior who he had been watching from the side for so long was standing right _in front_ of him instead of sitting far way, he couldn't avoid it anymore. Somewhere, in a part of his young brain, it concluded that it was too much to contain the overwhelming emotions any longer, causing Ritsu to spill out that one sentence which summons up everything. That one sentence which mattered.

_Senpai, I love you._

5 seconds

In that incredibly short span of time, Onedera Ritsu had his world shattered. Upon hearing the question, the older boy sitting opposite laughed at the absurdity of it. Two seconds for the older boy to ridicule him by snickering, two heartbeats for Ritsu to understand the truth of the situation, feeling the sickening twist of having his insides turned around – and one second for his heart– and faith – to break completely .

5 seconds

It took only 5 seconds for everything to happen.

**Author's Notes:**

Hi readers ! Firstly, I realised I forgot to put a disclaimer in the first story :/

I DO NOT OWN Sekaiichi Hatsukoi, Nakamura sensei does. The characters are not mine.

So about this entry, the idea for it started as a poem but I expanded it into a short essay instead.

It's about how fast everything happened for Ritsu and how unavoidable it was. Hope you like it.

Special shout out to Miss **TeiraaTrue f**or leaving such a nice, encouraging first review for me! Thank you so much!


	3. Disappearing act

The bookshelf walls of his room were closing on him, and the space in there suddenly seemed too small, too suffocating .Onodera Ritsu lay on his bed, curling underneath the cover, isolated from the world he was hiding from. Tightly strangled by the sick feeling of his insides being twisted, the young boy pulls the comforter closer towards him. It didn't feel better; it only got worst. If it wasn't for the fact he was so heartbroken, he would be surprise that he didn't break down right away then in Senpai's room.

'_How could I be so stupid?'_

Questions swamped him. Immediately, when he reached home, Ritsu dropped his bag and headed for the privacy of his room, immensely grateful that he was alone in the large house. The pain in his stomach didn't subside- but amplified- much like the ache in his heart. The seemingly endless rows of books surrounding him did nothing to help. It only serves as a reminder of the horrible afternoon. Another glance at his room again and the brunette might turn claustrophobia. If he looks at one more book, Onodera Ritsu swears he'll tear his bedroom down with his bare hands.

_We're going out right?_

Continuously, like a never ending loop, the scene replayed in Ritsu's head.

_Ha_

The sound of the senior's laughter stabbed deeply into the youth's fragile heart. The student's face contorted in pain, squirming as a sharp pain shot up in his stomach.

'_Was I wrong all this time? '_

Clutching his chest, tears welled up in teenager's eyes, on the verge of dropping. Frantically, Ritsu search through all his memories, wondering when he ever misread the senior's intention. Did he miss out on something? Or did he imagine everything?

'_So he never loved you'_

As the thought occurred to Ritsu, the tears streamed down instantly. Senpai wouldn't have laughed if he was serious. He wouldn't have left the junior's question unanswered.

3 years. Ritsu spent 3 years pinning after him. Having his feelings returned was a dream come true- one that he didn't even dare to touch- who knew it turned out to be a horrible nightmare?

_Is this how heartbreak feels like? _questioned the teenager. There was only one word to it – sick. Completely and indefinitely sick. Being torn into pieces; being mashed up, and being used. .Sick.

Nauseous, the contents of his stomach was making their way rapidly up to the teenager's throat. Ritsu raced to the toilet, kneeing before it as the contents forced their way out. Lowering his head down, hot tears continued pouring down his cheeks as his stomach contracted sharply in pain. Echoes bounced around the enclosed room. Never more had he wanted to die than at that moment. Kneeing there, Ritsu let the tears drop as the realization sunk in completely.

_He never did love you_

One after another, the tears dropped. Uncontrollably, the young boy's thin frame shook violently, as if an earthquake was taking place inside of him.

Wearily, the despondent youth made his way back to his bedroom after flushing the toilet, cleaning away the evidence of his heartbreak. Hastily, he wiped at his face the remaining tears using the toilet paper he tore from the room. It didn't matter that he was so sick that it was the first time he threw up; the unimaginable pain in the centre of his chest was still there, gnawing at him.

'_How am I supposed to face you now?_'

For the entire period, until his father came back, Ritsu spent the whole time thinking. The vicious thoughts won't leave him alone, hounding and barking at him like rapid dogs. In the silence of his room, the loud ticking of his clock did nothing but fuel the doubts in his head. All the speculation and insecurities drove the brunette into one direction. The shocking realization he had made earlier left him utterly confused, keeping him awake until the moon was high up in the dark midnight blue sky. The boy was tearing himself apart.

The second he heard his dad entered the house, Ritsu jumped from his bed and ran out to him.

'' Otosan! '' Ritsu burst out of his room, approaching his dad.

''Yes Ritsu ? '' asked his dad as he removed his shoes.

''I want to study in England,'' said Ritsu hurriedly, rushing his words. ''As soon as possible, anywhere will do. ''

Ritsu's dad paused, and stared at his son. ''England? ''

''Yes,'' answered Ritsu, praying that his dad will assume that it was his passion for literature which made his son to request something as abrupt as studying somewhere overseas, as far as England. ''Literature'', Ritsu added, as if the one word could explain everything.

''As soon as possible?''

''Yes''

Looking at Ritsu, his dad's stare remained fixed on his son. The teenager was uncharacteristically vehement about the request. Ritsu fidgeted anxiously, twisting his fingers nervously together. Gulping, the brunette was feeling the heat rushing to his face as he waited for an answer to his bizarre and sudden request. He hoped there weren't any tell-tale signs on his face, or anywhere else that might give his real reason away. Calmly, he tried to rearrange his expression into something less agitated.

''Alright,'' agreed Ritsu's dad after a moment of consideration, noticing the abandoned schoolbag on the floor. Without any further questioning, the owner of Onodera publishing house walked towards the main bedroom. '' I will discuss with your Mum tonight about the arrangement. ''

Incredibly relieved, a massive sigh escaped the teenager's lips as he went back to his room. Suddenly, the young boy felt very drained. His head was as light as a feather and his limbs as heavy as a ton .The final thing will be calling in sick at school until he could leave the country and never see that person again. Feeling the lure of sleep tugging at him, Ritsu collapsed dizzily on his bed and shut his eyes, exhausted.

Just for a while, he was able to forget everything.

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

This third piece is about how Ritsu requested studying overseas due to the misunderstanding. I titled it 'Disappearing act' as Ritsu subsequently disappeared from Saga senpai's life without a trace, kind of like a magic trick.

Poor Saga/Takano-san. Bet he didn't expect that huh ?

And whether Ritsu's dad knew anything, is up to your interpretation.

I DO NOT OWN Sekaiichi Hatsukoi, Nakamura sensei does. The characters are not mine.


	4. Nostalgic

Feeling the cold from the early winter, Onodera Ritsu pulls his coat closer and rub his gloved hands together quickly, trying to generate some warmth from the friction- not that it helped much.

The young man, 18, was walking on the streets of Tokyo. Winter came early that year. On term break, the student flew back to Japan for a short visit. Unlike all the previous time he went back, Onodera Ritsu decided to go out on the streets for a walk instead of coping at home. It has been more than 3 years since he went abroad. Perhaps Tokyo has changed much.

The student walks into a café, buying a cup of hot chocolate for himself. As he stood in line, laughter from a neighboring table drifted to his ears. A couple, in their high school attire, were sharing a drink from the same straw. Laughter rose from the girl again as the boy shared another funny joke.

Onodera watches. He had nearly forgotten the real reason why he left. Why he dropped everything and ran. Watching the couple, pangs of sadness and pain filled the young man .

''Excuse me sir, may I take ….''

Snapping out of his daze, Onodera Ritsu remembers where he is and what's he doing; he returns to his senses.

_It's been 3 years._

''One hot chocolate, take away please.''

_Forget him already_

Truthfully,he did already started forgetting. Some details have become fuzzy and blur. But Onodera still remembered the pain.

Exiting the café, the brunette continued his way down the street.

''I've been gone for a while,'' mused Onodera as he surveys his surroundings. In some ways, some things never changed, but in others, things have.

Onodera continues walking down the crowded streets, brushing past strangers. The crowd of people shifts and changes. Onodera keeps on walking. It was nice- to be back in the country he grew up in, to hear and speak his native language and having it surround him again. Familiar faces, familiar words.

As time passes, his legs carried him to a quieter street. Neon coloured signs and bright light shone against the darkness of the winter night. Throwing his empty cup, the brunette's green eyes roam the place. It's was a rather empty street around the corner, filled with bars.

He wanders down idly. The young man has never been to a bar before, not in Tokyo. Curious eyes looked around, until a particularly bright bar caught his attention. Instead of sealed doors, it had a huge see through exterior. Lights illuminated through the giant window and glass door. The brunette stood outside it, looking at the patrons. Jazz music played in the background as a guest pushes the door, ringing the overhead bell.

Onodera watched the people inside, thinking about how they had all moved on with their lives. Then, he thinks of him. Normally, the brunette tries not to. But then, walking around on his own in his home country after being away from so long was making Onodera feeling strangely nostalgic. He was back in his native country, to where he belongs. For once, Onodera lets go and just let himself _feel_. Alone, standing on the dark street during a cold winter, Onodera just let himself feel what he's supposed to feel.

Sitting on a stool, an ink-haired male patron was sloshing down a jug of beer, talking to his drinking buddy after settling the empty jug down. The young man was sitting in the other direction, his back facing Onodera.

Onodera watches. Briefly, his mind goes to that place- the inaccessible place where he locked up- filled with thoughts of him. The brunette wonders to himself how he would be doing, and where would he be now? Onodera stands and stares, lost in thought. A patron steps out, and the bell rings, bringing Onodera back to the present. Realizing how long he's been there, Onodera turns and walks back out to the main street, heading home.

''Hey, '' said university senior with dark blue hair to his friend, eyes narrowed. '' There's a guy standing outside the bar, he's been staring at you for a while. ''

His drinking buddy twists around, catching a glimpse of the figure before the person turns. Soft brown hair. Unmistakeable green eyes. Rosy cheeks. The figure leaves.

Realization hit him like lightning.

_Ritsu._

Hurriedly,the raven leaves his seat and rushes out. Amber eyes darts around wildly, looking for someone. A person with brown hair and green eyes. His pulse starts to race.

''Oda !'' shouts the raven, jogging down the path the figure took. Glancing around the deserted streets, he continued searching.

''Oda Ritsu! '' he shouts again to emptiness. There's no one there. Spinning around, the raven races the other way.

''Oda Ritsu! '' he calls out again, heart pounding against his chest like a rock. It was him. It has to be him.

Silence

There was no way he could have mistaken it.

''Oda Ritsu ! '' shouts the raven, walking aimlessly. Sneakers slapping against the concrete pavement. ''Where are you ?'' he whispers weakly after wandering for a while.

All that answered him was the barking of a distance dog and a horn of a car.

''Masamune,'' calls Yokozawa, catching up to him. '' What the hell was all that crazy running around about ?''

Takano surveys his surrounds, and admits to himself he was alone all the time.

''Nothing,'' Takano answers stoically, the anxiety and hope fading from his eyes. '' I thought I saw someone.''

''It's him, isn't it? '' said Yokozawa, scowling. '' You thought it was him.''

''Hey, '' said Takano. '' Did you see how the person looked like? ''

Yokozawa frowns. '' How the hell would I remember how he looked like? ''

Takano remains silent.

''For god's sake, '' said Yokowaza, getting angry. '' How long are you gonna pin after him like this?''

Seeing the despondent look in Takano's eyes, Yokozawa regretted his words instantly.

''It must have been your imagination, '' Yokozawa rolled his eyes. '' It's almost pitch black outside and you drank quite a bit already. ''

''Yeah,'' answers Takano, giving up hope once again. ''You're right.''

The two men return to the bar.


	5. Tobacco

**Summary: Takano stops smoking due to a very particular reason**

* * *

''Hey'' said Takano, lighting up a cigarette in the winter. ''How come you won't let me kiss you? '' he asked Ritsu, referring to the numerous times the brunette had twisted and turned away from him whenever he went for a kiss.

''Hahaha,'' laughed Ritsu awkwardly. Avoiding the topic, he turned away nervously.

''Double the workload if you don't tell me.''

''What?! '' exclaimed Ritsu, looking dazed.

''For the entire cycle,'' warned Takano unblinkly.

The editor huffed in annoyance. How did he end up walking back with this guy again?

''You really don't know? '' asked the brunette.

''Well?''

''It's because…'' started Ritsu cautiously.

''Because? ''

''Because of that-'' sheepishly, the editor gestured to the glowing item hanging from the edge of Takano's mouth, a blushing creeping in.

''Because I smoke?'' said Takano, looking offended.

Flustered, Onodera explains, the words rushing out. '' You always French kiss me.''

''So?'' Curls of white smoke drifted into the air

''You taste like tobacco.''

''And ?''

''It's disgusting. ' Picking up his pace, Ritsu adds one more line. ''It's creepy how you got smoke coming out of your mouth.'' Giving his answer, the brunette rushed off hurriedly, his blush in full force.

Takano stopped in his tracks, the cigarette falling onto the white snow. At that moment, the editor-in-chief felt the brute force of a hundred knifes stabbing into him; the words echoing in his head.

The next day, when they returned home from work, Takano called Ritsu over.

''Onodera,'' called Takano over the phone. ''Come over, I have something to pass to you.''

''What the- why are you giving me this? '' questioned Ritsu, looking into the contents of the bag- packs of cigarettes and lighters.

''I don't get to kiss you if I don't do that, do I? '' said Takano.

The brunette's face turned a bright shade of red.'' T-this this isn't necessary. Besides, how would I know if you won't just get a new pack?''

''Hmm,'' hummed Takano, feigning consideration. '' Guess I just have to kiss you more than.''

Before his neighbour could escape, the editor-in-chief pulled him and in and shut the door. Stumbling, the raven French kissed Ritsu as the older man tugged him into the bedroom.

* * *

**I haven't update this story in a while so i wrote this as a small update. It shouldn't be here though.**

**Hope you enjoy ! Leave any comments below !**


	6. Ocean

It feels like you're drowning.

The currents of the sea are too strong. One minute, you were innocently standing- the next you're being dragged suddenly into the ocean by the strong pull of the waves- the gripping hands of the ocean pulling you in. As you claw your fingers into the sand, trying desperately to grab onto something- anything- to anchor you, the currents tug harder and reels you in. He pushes you down to the bed, and straddles you before you can get up, holding you down with his legs. You struggle- struggle to get up– to find a way to escape .You have to escape. Pressing your hands onto his shoulder, you fight him. But the ocean is wild and untamed as any other wild animal- a force of nature- uncontrollable. You're being washed away. The current pushes you down again, pinning your hands this time. As you fall back with a cry, his lips enclosed yours. You sink into the depths of the vast ocean.

You can't see the surface; you can't move your limbs. You gasp for air, struggling to find some control. But you're underwater. And the waves push you down further. Hands move all over you. Opening your mouth for oxygen, instead of it, a tongue enters. Water floods your lungs- and starts to flood your brain as well-you can't breathe. There's a ringing in your ears. As he surrounds you, you start to lose your senses. Everything happens in hyper speed. You're gonna drown.

You found it scary enough- how unyielding the water is- now you find out how relentlessly is could be. Slowly, you sink deeper and deeper. You can't think straight. You try to grab on to something again, somehow you found black soft hair in your hands. The ocean is deep and mysterious; a moment ago you were desperately hanging onto the shore, hoping to survive. Now you're embracing him without fighting. He kisses you, deep and longingly, taking his time to feel your body. He's been waiting for this. Warm lips press onto yours, hard. Your mind shuts down. Something strange happens- you turn into a merman- and you dive in.

The ocean calls, beckoning you in. Underwater, your clothes are up turned as the hands of the currents pushes them over your head and down your legs. By now you've lost everything- control, clothes- the will to fight. In the depths of the sea, you repeatedly hear the alluring siren call of his voice, full of urgent want and need, whispering into your ear. _Ritsu. Ritsu. Ritsu._ Other than that, there was the loud sound of your hearting beating together with the heart of the ocean. All you need is water now. You give in and enjoy the sensation. Lips on skin, hot kisses everywhere.

Euphoria blurs out everything. There's nothing you could do, but to take in the thrust of the ocean, of him. Pleasure fills you and the two of you becomes one. Time passes. The ocean turns gentle now. Long arms wraps around you, cocooning you in warmth.

When you wake up on the shore, back to your former state with your clothes utterly soaked, you realize how completely ridiculous it was. There's no way you could fall into the ocean like that. You belong to the shore, not that big tank of water that takes up so much space. The ocean's everywhere. Sheesh.

_The next time it happens_, you start thinking. _No_, you correct. There won't be a next time. You'll be fully prepared. You won't be washed away again.

As you distance yourself from the water, back to the safety of dry land, you think to yourself _there's no way I'll fall in love with him. _Watching you, he smiles. He knows better- you can't really stay away from the ocean.

* * *

**It's been around year since i updated this. And I wrote this over a year ago but didn't think it was good enough to be published until i read it again today. Here's to you all !**


	7. Life

Life is weird.

Onodera stood at infront of the photocopying machine. He was instructed to print out copies of some materials for the team. Even a distance away, he could hear Takano's loud voice throwing orders around.

Never would he have thought he would be in this position again – being played by his own emotions.

He's been in Marukawa Shouten for around a month, and the situation felt stranger to him than anything. He quitted his job to end up in shoujo manga instead - of all departments. And of all people in Tokyo to be his boss, it had to be his sort of ex-boyfriend back in high school, who also happened to be his reclusive neighbour.

The printer splutters away while the paper slides out and goes back in.

Truthfully, Onodera felt lost deep down. It's enough that he had to learn everything about making girl's manga from scratch (literally). What was he supposed to do with the man ? He's his superior at work but then he made his advances towards him clear as well.

Casually, the editor glanced at the general direction of the team. His teammates were on the phone, either negotiating with printers or trying to convince their authors to go some work. Takano was wearing the black rimmed spectacles, doing whatever he had to do to get things done- calm among the chaos surrounding them.

How could he be so calm ?

_The breakup probably didn't affect him much at all._

There was also Yokozawa San, who hated him from the moment they meet. Heck, he probably hated him before they even meet, from all the way back to his shared college days with Takano.

_Why am I thinking about them?_

Shaking his head, Onodera switched papers, printing another material. He tidies the hot stack of newly printed papers. He has more important things to care about.

_I was probably the only one who got damaged. _

The brunette tried so hard to forget about him, even moving cross the continents because the pain was too hard to bear. And never did he thought he would entertain the idea of saying '' I love you'' to someone else again. Never would he thought they would cross paths ten years later – or at all – this time with the raven as his tyrant boss.

Yet somehow, here they were, together in the same space again.

Life was indeed weird.

* * *

**Hey everyone, I have a little update on work. So this was also a reflection on my part, on how unpredictable life can be. Some things which i have never imagine really did happen. But i suppose that's how it is.  
**

**Till next time !**


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